Sometimes You Have To Look Back To Realise How Far You Have Come

I had a moment on Monday morning last week. Actually it was more like a few hours than a moment.

I woke up and felt like I had been hit by a bus.

I had picked up a virus and I was in so much pain I cried for around an hour. I wasn’t used to this acute pain and took it badly.

Not only that but I was on my own and felt irrationally angry and frustrated because I wasn’t able to look after myself.

I had to message my husband and ask him to come home and help me.

Rather than see this for what it was, a little setback and needing to understandably ask for a helping hand, I blew it well out of proportion.

Luckily, after a few hours of rest I felt a million times better. I managed to get through my week feeling relatively okay and was really upbeat.

Remarkable really as the last time I had a virus it knocked me for six and it took me over a month to get over it.

When you feel the way I did that morning, I think it is important to look back and think about the progress you have made to remind yourself just how far you have come.

It’s easy to take your progress for granted when it becomes normality and a small setback can seem huge when it’s really not.

This whole incident made me laugh in the end as literally a few days before all of this I had read an article about progress amnesia and another blog post along similar lines.

It is so true and it’s really easy to fall into that frame of mind.

So I just wanted to take some time to reflect on my progress so far. I think it’s important to remember where we started so that we can appreciate just how far we have come…

At the start it was horrendous. I was severely, severely fatigued and stuck in bed.

I was in a complete state of exhaustion and I felt very unwell. I’d pushed my body too much for so long that it had given up on me.

I was ruined and it was like someone had pulled the plug on me.

I had been here just 3 months prior and despite my efforts and hard work I was back at rock bottom again.

My only movements consisted of a slow shuffle from the bed to the bathroom and back again. That was as far as I could take myself and I only did it because needs must.

I honestly moved like I was being filmed in slow motion! I relied on my husband to bring me drinks and food or anything else that I needed as the stairs were a battle I was not ready for.

I made the decision that I would give my body two weeks of full rest, then I had to start moving more.

Why two weeks? I have no idea!

It just felt right to me and I knew my state of mind would go downhill quickly if I stayed laid up in bed.

 I was also terrified if I didn’t start moving, I never would.

Once the two weeks were up, I felt no better.

But I was determined, so I started to do my slow shuffle through to my spare room and lay in the recliner chair for a while before painfully shuffling back to bed. I would sleep for ages and then do it again in the evening.

I eventually psyched myself up to tackle the stairs. I would go from my bed down to the sofa where I would collapse, shut my eyes and rest.

I stayed there for quite a while before I felt ready to tackle my Everest again. My husband would have to help me back up to bed.

Most days the only way I could climb the stairs was on all fours. I don’t know why I felt this helped but it seemed easier!

My husband would be behind me pushing me up.

Once I made it to bed I would crash and sleep some more. The stairs were something I only tackled once each day.

That was more than enough.

I then started to sofa surf to get me out the house. Getting out the confines of my own home really helped me mentally.

I would shuffle out to my mum’s car and be driven to her house where I would lie on her recliner sofa.

Sitting up was too tasking at this point.

I felt at my best when I was pretty much horizontal and even then I felt awful!

I would stay there until mid-afternoon and then get dropped off back home. I would go straight to bed and sleep for a few hours.

This sofa surfing became my daily routine but I eventually decided I just had to go for it. One morning I told my mum I was going to join her walking the dog.

We went to the park and did a short walk. I would walk a little bit, stop, rest and then walk a little more.

I felt wrecked afterwards; that feeling like I had been hit by a bus. But I did it.

I wouldn’t be able do it again for a few days but then I did it again. And again. And again.

Step by step, day by day I ever so slowly built up what I was doing.

I listened to my body and, though I had to obviously push myself, I learned when I could go for a walk and when I couldn’t.

I also learned to read the signal my body gave when we needed to turn back on a walk.

You see, if I pushed my body too far it would shut down on me and I literally had to lie down and go to sleep. No options!

So I had to learn to judge how far I could walk as obviously I needed to get back to the car before this happened.

I was managing to do a little more but I still felt horrendous. I’m sure I looked it too.

I know they say Fibro is an invisible illness but I looked very drawn and hunched in. I moved incredibly slowly and my body was so stiff.

I felt like I was 90 years old trapped in a young body. I earned the nickname “slothy” at this point as I moved as slowly as a sloth.

I had made progress (that little guy above definitely helped keep me motivated) but then it stopped. I could do a 15-20 minute walk at my sloth pace but that was it.

I felt like I had hit a brick wall and couldn’t get past it. And like I said, I still felt unbelievably unwell.

To cope with my daily life with this illness I just focussed on each day as it came. I let go of the guilt of being unable to work and I stopped worrying about the future.

I thought that this might be as good as it was going to get and at least it was something…

Then I read “Suffered Long Enough” and there was just something about this book that resonated with me. I decided to take a leap of faith and bought some herbal therapies from Amazon.

I also began an elimination diet again.

The first couple of weeks of this regime were horrible to put it bluntly.

I was unable to go for what had become my daily walk. My mum was worried I was doing the right thing.

My intuition told me it was so I rode it out and kept reassuring her.

I began to drink ginger tea and literally the next day I felt well enough to go for a short walk.

Ginger, as it turns out, is a powerful synergist and I freakin’ love it!

After a couple of weeks, I started to notice small improvements. I began to walk more freely, I sped up and began to walk more like a human and less like a sloth.

My body was reacting very positively to the herbs and I started to see improvements. I would come home from my mum’s and lie in bed but not sleep.

Soon I would come home and stay out of bed and opt for the sofa instead.

Since starting the Vital Plan supplements I’ve started to have moments that have felt so bizarre to me. I’ll go for a walk and not feel completely exhausted afterwards.

I’ll lie on the sofa and actually feel rested!! Feel rested!!!!

This is so alien to me.

I can now go up and down my stairs a few times per day. In the last couple of weeks I’ve made myself some meals for the first time in I don’t know how long.

I’m starting to be able to do select “normal” daily tasks without a struggle.

I also did a little bit of hoovering. Hoovering!!!

I can’t even begin to express how amazing that is. I haven’t hoovered in what must be a year. It was just one task that caused more pain and tears than it was worth so my husband banned me from doing it.

Which makes what I’m about to say even more incredible.

Hoovering caused me no pain! It was tiring but not painful.

Talking of pain, it’s completely manageable right now. I’d say a 2-3 out of 10 without any pain meds (with the exception of that little blip last Monday morning).

To me this is incredible.

I kept a pain diary at one point and I averaged a 7. A 4 or 5 was considered a good day.

How I functioned like that I have no idea!

One other thing I have noticed is that my arms are less sensitive to pain. Normally a light touch would have me in agony.

Now I can poke and prod them and feel only a slight ache.

I’ve also regained some feeling in my left leg and foot (which I had issues with) and the horrible tingling sensation I get has lessened.

My mental fatigue has also greatly lessened and the horrible feeling of being unwell is only mild now.

I’m still fighting fatigue but it’s not as bad as it was.

Like I said at the beginning, it’s so important to record your progress.

A bad day now is nowhere near as bad as it was previously. I need to remember to keep things in perspective.

I hope I see this upward trend continue but I know there will likely be setbacks along the way.

However, I have proven to myself that it is possible to feel better after years of wondering why some people improved and I never despite what I tried.

The herbal therapies have definitely been the missing piece in my puzzle. The progress I have made in 2 months of taking them is incredible to me!

I think it came for me at the right time too.

I think if I was working full time I wouldn’t have seen the same benefits.

Simply because I wouldn’t have been willing to slow down and I would have continued to place too much stress upon my body, both physically and mentally.

Stress, after all, should be considered the enemy.

I’m going to finish off this post with a visual reminder for myself: